Tuesday, June 09, 2015

Hex and Scandal

Mormons are special people. Typically repressed and horny as hell, their sexual escapades can be amusing. An LDS family used to live down the street from me. Husband, wife, three sons and one daughter. Their oldest son was in my Sunday school class, and his dad was our Boy Scout leader, so I knew the family well. They were straight laced Mormons who towed the line to a point of excess, even by Mormon standards. I remember they had a storage room in their house containing a year’s worth of food, water, and even tents and backpacks in case of a sudden industrial collapse. Of course, all members are instructed to store such things in case of an emergency, but not many will go to such lengths as to dedicate an entire room to the cause. They were indeed a portrait of Mormon perfection.

All was well in their little world until suddenly, out of the blue, mom was diagnosed with a brain tumor and died shortly thereafter. It was shocking and traumatic for the kids, but dad didn’t seem to mind as he quickly remarried with no mourning period. The youngest of the sons found console in the lady next door, a fellow Mormon who was married with children. He would visit her frequently, enjoying a level of compassion and understanding that only a middle-aged soccer mom can provide. Then one day while crying on her shoulder, they realized their bond was more than casual. Embracing the moment, they promptly removed their clothing and proceeded to touch, stroke, poke and moan. The exact details of their nearly-statutory consummation are unknown, but it certainly conjures up some amusing visuals. Did they do it on the dining room table? Doggy style over the couch? Or did she take his hand and walk him to the master bedroom for a proper deflowering? Did he pull out? Did she swallow? The possibilities are endless, and endlessly entertaining, but I digress.

Although Mormons are known for their sexual antics (polygamy, inbreeding, etc.), such relations between a married woman and teenage boy are seriously frowned upon by the church. On the other hand, men having extra-marital relations with little girls are more likely to be forgiven. The state of Utah in particular is known for being lenient in rape cases involving male assailants who are Mormon. These cases are sometimes ignored and swept aside so as not to bring negative attention to the church (ask Martha Beck and numerous others for details).

Of course the boy wanted to get laid. That's normal. But why he chose the lady next door is beyond me. Funnier still is the fledgling logic of Mrs. Soccer Mom. She’s married. She has children. The kid is half her age and lives right next door. She’s friends with his whole family. How did she feel knowing his mom was up in Mormon heaven watching her pant and squeal? Perhaps she had this planned from the get-go after hearing the news of her diagnosis, secretly thinking "Once you're gone I'm gonna touch your baby boy". Yeah right, children in mourning make the best lovers don't they. There's absolutely no way she can live this down, especially in the eyes of her family.

Luckily, she had enough sense to feel guilty. So guilty, in fact, that she promptly confessed to church authorities. This led to them both being excommunicated and shunned in the local Mormon community, where gossip reigns supreme and spreads like wildfire. Both families had to leave California to start new lives elsewhere.

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